Part of me writes these things with no intent of ever sharing them. Most of them I never do. Part of me does it simply to practise the act of sitting and writing then putting it to the side, part of me intending to look back over the books of rambling scribbled thoughts I keep in the box for ideas and inspiration, but part of me is unconvinced they’ll ever come back out the box. When was the last time I was fully convinced of something? Part of me always holds a modicum of doubt. What would happen if I didn’t? How do you even begin to consider something, anything, with complete conviction? What would that feel like? Part of me thinks it would be amazing.
I tend to believe things with varying degrees of acceptance. Some with much scepticism and others with only a little. But always with some. It makes for trying to establish a solid foundation on which to build my life more difficult as ill never be sure when the ground might fall out from underfoot. The only thing at this point I can be sure of is that I cannot be certain of anything. That’s some ‘Beginners Guide to Basic Philosophy’ shit right there.
There is a difference between accepting a concept and understanding one. I feel I have a better grasp on that concept at least, the further down the rabbit hole I go. I very much would like to see this supposed rabbit hole one day. It might help me to make sense of the entire picture if I could incorporate some visual aid. Another analogy would be the one of the hallway lined with doors on either side leading off and disappearing out of view, each door being a different life choice. I suppose the metaphor that fits best depends if I see my life as falling down the hole at the whim of gravity or walking the hallway of my own choice.
The concept of fate is difficult to commit to more than partially. Maybe I don’t like to believe that my future is outside of my control. I do accept there are components at play that are so far outside the scope of my understanding, let alone my control yet I still hold onto the notion that my destinations in life can be determined by my will and desires. Consistent contradictory duelling beliefs. How can you simply throw up your hands with a “fuck it!” and let yourself go with the current? It would have to be an action spawned from an unfaltering belief that I am under the watchful eye and guiding hand of a force greater, more powerful and understanding than myself who also, against all evidence, has my best interests alone at heart. It doesn’t seem to have a conclusion. Which, I’m starting to believe is just the nature of all things. Nothing ever resolves but is more a constant stream of scenarios playing out in every conceivable (and inconceivable) probability on an infinite cycle. I can accept that concept because I can understand it, but I only understand it to a point, and then have accept that I can’t understand certain aspects. Like this, every single belief I hold is rooted in an amount blind faith. It’s small wonder that every now and then I’ll break down for no clear reason. There is so much uncertainty that just comes with just existing.
Out of all concepts, theories and notions I would be comforted most if I could fully commit to this one. That there is an all-powerful force beyond the limitations of my understanding, executing a pre-determined divine plan for my life which I receive instructions from by listening to my innermost authentic voice, which would imply that I am in some way connected to this awesome force and therefor in my own small role am significant to the overall limitless design of existence which somehow makes it easier to accept the whole concept to begin with and consequently the next yo-yo between doubt and conviction playing out in my psyche on an infinite loop in perpetual motion condenses, finally leading to….. where? I return to an uncertain state as I reach the point in the progression of the thought where I would hopefully find a conclusion, but as infinity seems to offer no such thing it feels to me like an unfinished sentence. I want to have faith. I want to know what that feels like. I believe it would be a true sense of freedom. I believe it to be achievable. Part of me does anyway.